There is a chance this will out me at a vulnerable time, but the risk versus reward way favorably or so I now think. What am I hiding? Simple. I am a male soul. Always have been. Always will be. That is what I am by nature, design, choice, what-have-you by whatever version of reality you see the universe through. I stayed on the other side for SO long after a couple of HORRIBLE incarnations on this plane, trying to get everything perfect, timing, family, physical, mental, location,etc. And then I go and incarnate into a somewhat sickly female body in a rigorously religious family and FORGET EVERYTHING, like a dumb-ass. Since then, it's been a quite frankly dreadful 20 years of having what little identity I had left intact painted over by inconsiderate bastards and a mom who didn't really know what she was doing, having children. And since about year 17 I've slowly poor solvent over that paint and scrubbed it away and taken a long hard look at what was underneath. Some of you have watched this account since I created it at the age of 17 and seen me grow from an ignorant, loud, near insufferable bible thumper.... to... whatever I am now, but I know for sure is CLOSER to whoever my real self is.
This is where the risk versus reward comes in. I am living with my father but and am out to him and there is currently a very many misunderstandings I am not able to correct without causing a fight. That would be an entirely different talk for a different time though, we are going to go to counseling together, I've had some counseling on my own, it seems hopeful. Best case scenario I need people to introduce my dad to to prove that queer can be and is a good thing and not what society and military life have lead him to believe. Worst comes to worst. I'll need to get the fuck out as quickly as possible so I can leave things on a good note, and hopefully somewhere to live with people who can help me with the whole transition to adulthood thing, since I was held back in some pretty extreme ways from maturing and becoming independent until the age of 19 when I got away from my mother. I do not know how to survive quite on my own yet and hopefully I can catch up and learn how before I have to fly away from my dad's nest. However, I'm not %100 sure the universe will show me that mercy.
The real risk here is being outed to my.... most-likely very mentally ill mother. This would almost undoubtedly cause her to cut off any and all contact with my siblings. She did this to my father just because he divorced her. She will do it to me for what she would perceive as an even bigger offence. Since my little brother is autistic and has received nowhere near the kind of education or discipline he's going to need even now at the age of 17 to mature past the mentality of a 9 year old and go on to have his own, him loosing contact with someone who has actually gotten out from under mom's cult mentality and who he might need to come live with some day would be kind of bad. For both of us.
Now I understand how infuriating and backwards this whole situation is but there are steps being made forward in both family fronts with each step backwards I'm pushed. I have decided to come out of the closet to everyone everywhere for my 21st birthday next may as a means to stay true to myself and go on testosterone sometime thereafter. I need to find a doctor who will be able to work with me and allow me to transition in such a way that my ability to have a pregnancy at some point would not be inhibited, from what I understand so far that would mean no hysterectomy and lower T doses and a lot more rabble-rousing than other trans men are the victim of. I plan to get int touch with Thomas Beatie.
What reward could curb this risk? Well, I want to make things work with both sides of my family but fleeing a the US as a political refugee is also on my radar. I need support. I need friends. I need a lot of people around me to stand behind me if I get backed into a corner. I need people who are smarter than me to help me with my debate with my dad and those I will encounter down the road. I need names and numbers and doctors to look up. I need to meet other trans men. I need people around me who understand. I and know that's a lot to ask since I am almost never on here anymore, but I will be getting back to posting art and finishing fanfics and getting back in touch with every body and making attempts to enter group contests that won't make me cringe the week after I post them and all that when I get a job here. We just moved into a house after living in an RV all winter and spring, not knowing where we could afford to settle down again, and I can finally job hunt. When I get a routine there will finally be time for DeviantArt, which I have missed so dearly, again. Please accept me, and point me towards other people like me. I know the only safety a lot of trans people have is in numbers and I am all alone right now.